My Dream

 For the select few friends or family I have shared this blog with, I'm about to share something that actually scares me to admit out loud. 

I REALLY want to get into grad school this first go around. 

I am scared I'm not enough, I'm not putting my full time or energy into applying. I don't know what it would look like if I don't get in. And I'm trying to prepare myself for that real possibility.

After the emotional turmoil of this last semester with the on-campus shooting, my mental capacity hasn't been able to handle tackling more than one application for grad school. There are a lot of things about my application I wish were better (higher volunteer hours, more internships, a study abroad), but haven't happened because I didn't make them a priority. 

Every assignment that I do that helps prep me for grad school, I take so seriously, while also facing the very real fear I have of not being enough for the program. I am so much more passionate about becoming a marriage and family therapist the closer I get to submitting my application. And I'm scared because I really want it. I stopped midassignment to write this because I started crying, realizing how badly I want to go to grad school. 

Part of me is thinking about applying to a school in North Carolina. I have no clue why, but that might be a "secret" thing I do this semester (probably not because I'm already drowning in just one application). 

I never planned on making this decision alone. I had wanted to be married or at least know who he was by now so that we could make this decision together. Wherever I go to school, I'm there for at least 5 years (2-3 years of school and then finishing up clinical hours to be fully certified). I didn't want to make this decision alone. 

I have no answers on how this will turn out, only the deep desire and constant prayer in my heart that I get in. That I can start working. Working in this field scared me so much, but it doesn't stop the need I have to pursue it. 

I'm at a point where I am making real adult decisions on my own. I'm considering moving across the country, for gosh sake (and my biggest concern is not being able to rent a car if I fly there to look at a school or check out an apartment).

I'm doing hard things all alone. And I am so proud. And I am so scared. But I am getting to make the life I want to have for myself.